With election season upon us (anyone else tired of seeing political ads?!), what to do if you disagree with family and friends re. the candidates?
Below is advice from local therapist Maria Sikoutris Di Iorio, who shares some helpful advice:
"Politics has long been a potentially divisive topic of conversation, but the polarization has grown significantly since the 2016 Presidential election – and now that we are in the final leadup to another contentious election, many are feeling the tension in their friend and family groups.
The differences can be difficult to navigate because they go much deeper than just who people are choosing to vote for; the issues are often personal, emotional, and a matter of deeply held values. Studies indicate that 85% of Americans feel largely misunderstood by voters from the other side, and the differences have become so important that an increasing number of parents say they would be upset if their child married someone from a different political party. So, how can we navigate these differences without damaging relationships with people we care about?
Some therapists advise eschewing the topic of politics altogether, but given the ubiquitousness of the topic at this time, that is not always possible.
Additionally, many experts say that avoiding big topics such as this can actually contribute to distance between people, and that healthy dialogue is the key to bridging the divides and improving relationships. The key is conducting these conversations in a constructive way, with a focus on mutual understanding and respect. Here are some guidelines for conversations about politics with friends and family who may have different viewpoints:
Make respect the foundation. Remind yourself at the outset that this is a relationship that you value, and your priority is to treat the person with respect even if you strongly disagree with their views. Be mindful of your body language and tone, and actively avoid sarcasm or accusations.
Aim for dialogue, not debate. Your goal in discussing politics with someone you disagree with should not be to “win”, to embarrass the other person or make them look bad, or to win them over to your point of view. Instead, aim to share perspectives in the hopes of deepening your understanding of the issues and each other’s viewpoints.
Be curious, not furious. Ask clarifying questions to make sure that you are understanding their positions correctly, and then paraphrase it to them as accurately as possible, without any twinge of defensiveness or judgment. Remember, you are seeking to understand and show that you are hearing them. Phrase your question in a way that makes it clear that you are genuinely interested in their answer; for example, you might ask “Is there any gun legislation that you would find acceptable?” rather than “So you’re ok with having kids in schools keep getting shot rather than pass any gun laws?”
Focus on personal perspectives and experiences rather than facts. People often believe that if they can just present accurate facts, they can convince the other person that they are right – but in reality, facts are easy to dismiss, and people fall into traps of arguing about details and sources. Instead, share your own experience with this issue and how it has impacted you personally. If you are having this conversation with a friend or family member – someone who has a connection to you already – they are more likely to care about your experience and less likely to scoff at that than whatever facts you may put forth. It also helps them to see that you have genuine, deeply held reasons for your position.
Look for common ground. This may be just a tiny strip of land, but the important thing is to find something to agree on – even if it’s just that a particular issue is important or difficult. If you agree with just a subset of what they are saying, you can still lead with a “Yes, I agree with you about ____.” If it appears that you are completely at odds on the issue, you can simply acknowledge something positive about them as a person, such as “I know you’re an intelligent and caring individual.”
While constructive dialogue is ideal, unfortunately, it is not always possible, especially in today’s highly polarized political landscape – and healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining one’s mental health. If it becomes clear that certain topics with particular people lead to highly charged, upsetting, or abusive exchanges, you are well within your rights to end the discussion and refuse to engage in any future conversation about that topic with the individual.
Occasionally, there may be a political issue that hits so personally that a disagreement -particularly with close family members – can lead to a true familial rift. In that case, some sessions with a family therapist may help everyone to re-establish a sense of safety in each other’s presence, view one another in a more positive light, learn and practice more helpful communication skills, and determine how to move forward in a way that is healthy for everyone in the family."
Maria Sikoutris Di Iorio, MA, EdS, MFT, LPC
Hellenic Therapy Center, Scotch Plains
Re-printed with permission of the author.
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